December 2004 Archives
Submitted by Linnea
Submitted by VJ
More Holiday Toons
Submitted by Debbie M.
Remember, Eat in moderation during the Holiday
Submitted by Sharon
Seasonal Toons
Submitted by Debb.
Chicken Recipe
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but
not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan
with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room , it is done.
AND YOU THOUGHT I COULDN'T COOK !
The Great Escape
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in
there, the husband whispers over to his
wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife
responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told
me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I
told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Submitted by Linnea
Submitted by VJ
Advice from Bill Gates
Submitted by Debby D.
Sleeping car
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own d... blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted
Submitted by Linnea
Picture from 1954 Popular Mechanics Magazine
X-Mas Funnies
Submitted by Melody
Submitted by Sharon
Christmas Cartoons
Submitted by Debbie M.:
Great Animal Pics!
Submitted by Debbie M.:
Best T-Shirts on the Market!
Man of the House
The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I am finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director".
Submitted by Melody
Good 'ol Johnny
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.
While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny
was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Little Johnny both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Little Johnny: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Little Johnny: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer..)
Little Johnny: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog
do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...)
Little Johnny: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Little Johnny: "Yup"
Teacher: "You blow me, you feel good"
Little Johnny: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
Little Johnny: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?"
Little Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.²
Submitted by Mike N.:
CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS
Published: Tuesday, November 16, 2004
By Joe Blundo
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.
The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
“He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
“Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
“If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
“I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
“We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out.”
Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.
Submitted by Alfredo
Things that make you say "HOLY COW!"
Submitted by Sharon
What Snowmen do in the Summer
Holiday Eating Advice
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. Whenelse do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have an absolutely fantastic holiday!!!
Submitted by VJ
How NOT to light fireworks
Submitted by Linnea
Snowball Launcher
Submitted by Debby D.
Holiday Cooking
Subject: Christmas Cookie Recipe!!
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check
the Cuervo again,
to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large
one teaspoon of sugar..Beat again. At this point it's best to
make sure the Cuervo
is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the
cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix
on the turner. If the
fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it lloose
with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a
sheet. Check the Jose
Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add
one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't
forget to beat
off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Cose
Juervo and make
sure to put the stove in the dishwasher
CHERRY MISTMAS
Submitted by Sally
Hangovers
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 A.M. Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels like shit. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't pissed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me Sorry, but you're not really my type Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Submitted by Melody
Optical Illusion
Keep staring at the picture and you will see a giraffe
Submitted by Debby D.
Barracks Door Is Open
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked
up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men
normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about
done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and
finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line
where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning
to have a little fun with her so when he reached the counter he said, "When
you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at
attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment
and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a
couple of old duffel bags.
Submitted by Linnea
1st Remote Control Invented
Submitted by Ruthie
Three Labs
Three Labrador retrievers--one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting
in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything--the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired."
Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Submitted by Sharon
Three Strangers
Submitted by Gayle
Santa's Problems
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.
Submitted by Linnea
A Blonde Joke
Strange Rides
Submitted by Melody
Too Drunk
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out
of his fly for all the world to see He asks the man "Sir are you aware
that you are exposing yourself?"!
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without
missing a beat, blurts out........
"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
Submitted by Sharon
Catholic School Education
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called
on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and
continued teaching
her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and
shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!"
The Nun fainted.
Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
______________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
Submitted by Sharon
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish & Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Proud Fathers
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker,and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Submitted by Gil
Want A Divorce?
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is
behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've
been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now
doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and
faster until he reaches 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards
too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she
says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the
airbag!"
Cape Breton Math
A guy is applying for job and must answer the questions!
Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?"
The Cape Bretoner says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cape Bretoner.
Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cape Cretoner stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Cape Bretoner, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cape Bretoner stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cape Bretoner leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"
Submitted by Sharon
Finally Together
A woman married and had 13 children.
Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, Her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "
Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
Historical Tidbits
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both
legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.."
**************************************************************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would
carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
**************************************************************
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."
**************************************************************
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression "losing face."
**************************************************************
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman . as in "straight laced"
. . . wore a tightly tied lace.
**************************************************************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
**************************************************************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."
**************************************************************
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."
**************************************************************
One more: bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)