D A M N I T O L
  Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

  ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
  Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
  unconscious for up to two days.

  E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
 Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
 how
 awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
out.

  P E P T O B I M B O
 Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
 evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents
 conception.

  D U M B E R O L
  When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
  enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

  F L I P I T O R
  Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
  urge to flip off other drivers.

  M E N I C I L L I N
  Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
  lines as,  "You make me want to be a better person ...
 Can we get naked now?"

  B U Y A G R A
 Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration
 and credit limit of spending spree.

  J A C K A S S P I R I N
  Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
  anniversary or phone number.

  A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
  A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
  share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

  N A G A M E N T
  When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as
 nagging
 him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.