December 2005 Archives
Wednesday, January 26, 2006
Submitted by Sharon
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is
Down.....
by David Letterman
10 . The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and
tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the
upright and locked position.
7 . Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the
garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no
introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los
Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars..... but I can see
something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper
is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I
can see your nuts.
More Signs
NEW RULES FOR 2006
Don't eat anything that's served to
you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.
Hey, it cost les! s than a dollar. What did you expect it to
contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole
hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have
a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
Ladies,
leave your eyebrows alo! ne. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a
soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and
let it melt. That's your flavored water.
The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and
order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the
crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The
last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."
If
you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,! old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
No more gift registries. You know, it
used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having
other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
version of looting.
This one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my
hands.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just
fine. He's! not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first
place.
New Orleans T-Shirts
Submitted by Gil
L I F E
door of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I
will give you a
life span of twenty years."
The dog said,
"That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give you
back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second
day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a
twenty-year life
span."
The monkey said,
"How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog
gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.
On the third day
God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
field with the
farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life
span of sixty
years."
The cow said,
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years.
Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed
again.
On the forth day
God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your
life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said,
"What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the
forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave
back and the ten
the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said
God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves; for
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the
next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at
everyone.
Life has now
been explained to you.
Submitted by Angie
You may not know this, but many non-living things have
a gender
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But
consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Submitted by Melissa
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition
Barbie dolls for the Connecticut Market:
Darien Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey
and a 3500 SF house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.
Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Branford Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Wind
star minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time
occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell
phone included, headset sold separately.
Bridgeport Barbie - The recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie
comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth-lab kit. This model
is available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably
small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what
you are talking about.
Seymour Barbie - Accompanied with a free carton of smokes, this
white-trash Housatonic Community College dropout has a permanently attached
leather jacket with fringe. Boyfriend Vinny, Ken's "cousin" plays softball 4
nights a week, at which she makes regular appearances to share in the Bud Light
club of girlfriends. Mr. P's
attachment sold separately.
Greenwich Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible
or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club
membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken
and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Derby Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes
too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
six-pack of Coors Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet
and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup
truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
Madison Barbie - This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard
print Bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the
McMansion. Percocet prescription available.
Ansonia Barbie - This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her
own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut
Ken out of Derby Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter top. Also
available with a mobile home.
Woodbury Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has a long
straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks
with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not
want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Woodbury Barbie's and the
optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
New Haven Barbie - This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984
Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbie's in the
backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch
pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not
available for New Haven Barbie or Ken.
East Haven Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black hair,
12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings, and 1 ankle bracelet.
Included are permanently attached cell phone and a black Monte Carlo with
ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a
black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and gel/hairdryer kit. A camera/cell
phone with the Mayor's office on speed-dial is sold separately.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Submitted by Sharon
It's that time again
AFTER CHRISTMAS
DIET
Tis the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
~ author unknown ~
Health Tip for the New Year
For
those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the
conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you
Submitted by Gil
When Jane met Tarzan
One day,
JANE met TARZAN
in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about
his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how
to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and
spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
Old Rooster
A
farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,
time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So
just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed
the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
He
grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit....third gay rooster I
bought this month."
Moral of this story....Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery
will always overcome youth and skill!
Beer, Fishing, Golf and Sex
Submitted by Eleanor
The Multi-Task Desk
Submitted by Melinda
Where Do Babies Come From?
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her
family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl
and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room,
hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues,
"That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get
a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your
bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that,
Mommy?"
"Jewelry, dear."
When Nature Goes Bad
Submitted by Marcia
OK - Here's the Answer
If you wait long enough, all questions finally
get answered.
