June 2005 Archives

June 20, 2005

Submitted by Kip

Sunday Morning Sex

Submitted by Sharon

Kids in Church

Submitted by Marcia

European Union

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the
     following people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:
   
     2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
   
     2 French men and 1 French woman
   
     2 German men and 1 German woman
   
     2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
   
     2 English men and 1 English woman
   
     2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
   
&! nbsp;    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
   
     2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
   
     2 American men and 1 American woman
   
     2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
   
   
     One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in
     the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
   
     One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
   
     The two F! rench men and the French woman are living happily together
     in a menage-a-boogie.
   
     The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
     visits with the German woman.
   
     The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
     is cleaning and cooking for them.
   
     The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
     the English woman.
   
     The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and
     another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
   
     The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
     instructions.
   
     The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
     restaurant
     and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply
     employees for their stores.
   
     The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
     because the American woman keeps complaining about her body;
     the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can
     do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household
     chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her
     last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her
     nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her
     mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't
     raining.
   
     The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
     set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
 because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut
     whisky, but they're satisfied because at least the English aren't
     getting laid either.
daddy calling
Submitted by Alfredo

Daddy CAlling

 ((((RING))))  
   
 **Pick Up** "Hello?"
 
   "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
 
   "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
 
   After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
 Frank."
 
   "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
 
   Brief Pause

   "Uh, okay then, ... this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down  on
 the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
 that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
 
   "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
 
   A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
 Daddy."

   "And what happened honey?" he asked.
 
   "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and  ran
 around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the  dresser
 and now she isn't moving at all!"
 
   "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
 

   "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared  and
 he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
 he  didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
 the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

   ***Long Pause***

   ***Longer Pause***

   Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??"
 

Submitted by Ruthi

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

#1 -- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."

#2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

#3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

#4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

#5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

#6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

#7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

#8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

#9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him ...... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

#10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
 

The Amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign
read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket and
sat down.

There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts
on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped
his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts
with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly
Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing
Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his

 act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time,

however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The

Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the

coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I
saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from
walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Submitted by Linnea

Mixing Medicine

Most people know not to mix certain medicines without consulting their doctors...  some medicines cannot be mixed with certain foods...and certainly most of us know not to mix certain medicines with alcohol...although, some people think
mixing alcohol and medicine is harmless.
As a Public Service the AMA {American Medical Association } and Health Canada have recently published a new warning being distributed via pamphlets in pharmacies across the U.S. and Canada.

Below is the cover jacket of the pamphlet:

FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
Shared by Ann, FL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may
not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners
are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
(always a good opener)
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
man's responsibility to get his cousin to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
"Y'all sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "Yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in bed.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 

Submitted by Debby D.

The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
  He said to himself: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What
beautiful animals!"
 
  As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.
  He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw
that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer.
 
  He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and
raising his right paw to strike him.
 
  The Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."
 
  Time stopped.....the bear froze.....the forest was silent.
 
  As a bright light shone upon the man, a booming voice came out of the
sky:
 
  "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
 
  The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian?"
 
  "Very well," said the voice.
 
  The light went out.
 
  The sounds of the forest resumed.

  The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his
head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from
thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
 

Submitted by Gil

Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
 when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
 the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
 
 Maude:  What in the hell is that?
 
 Mable:  A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
 
 Maude:  Where did you get it?
 
 Mable:  You can get them at any drugstore.
 
 The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
 to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
 
 The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
 is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
 condom she prefers.
 
 "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
 
 The pharmacist fainted.

Submitted by Amy

Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

What is Style coming to?

What you see below are not see-thru skirts. They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible and these are the current rage in Japan. They'll be the rage here in the USA soon.

June 7, 2005

Submitted by Sharon

The Doctor Visit

Submitted by Don V.

Computer Joke

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her adult class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
  
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
  
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"  

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
  
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
  
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
  
  The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computer"), because:
  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
 

Submitted by Alfredo

Stop & Shop

Submitted by Wayne