November 2005 Archives

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Submitted by Sharon

The Child Left Behind

Can the English language survive?

 "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe ."
- George W. Bush
?
"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush
?
And something to be REALLY worried about:


 God help America

 


 

 

November 15, 2005

Submitted by Sharon

The men's toilet at the Sofitel Hotel in Queenstown, New Zealand

 

Something To Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
 Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?!
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
 Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
 Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
 Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
 A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
 Their personalities.

 What's the difference b etween a girlfriend and wife?
 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
 45 minutes

 What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
 Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
 They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, ! caring, and good-looking?
 Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
 After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women th! ey have no intention of marrying?
 The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the differe nce between a porcupine and BMW?
 A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 "Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does M ike Tyson cry during sex?
 Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
 Everyone has the same DNA.

 Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
 Breasts don't have eyes.

 Why do drivers' educat ion classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?!
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
 A different bar.

 Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
 A speech impediment.

 What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
 They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
 A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
 A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 Why is there no Disneyland in China?
 No one's tall enough to go on the good rides 

 

Submitted by Donna

It's Secret

A cowboy walks into a bar, and after two steps into the joint he realizes it's a gay bar.  "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.  All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy.  Mine for instance is called
NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."  The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says,
"So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One.”  Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'  "And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer. "The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"  The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!"

 

Whiteman's Progress?

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

 

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."


The Chief nodded in agreement

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
 

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that".

 

Little Kathleen

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again."

 

Submitted by Linnea

A man's life summed up in one photograph

November 11, 2005

Submitted by Kip

No Need to Run

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha' gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big boobs out for dinner ..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put the big willy to her, big time! all night.."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
 
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's handbag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to  hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
 

Submitted by Marcia

Blonde Logic
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But, this week I got a
call from the contractor who installed them.

 He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year
ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME
last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him)

There was only silence at the other end of the line so, I finally just
hung up....He didn't call back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the! saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!

 

Submitted by Melody

Welfare

A guy walks into  the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,  "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a  job."


The social  worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a  job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and  bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in  his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long  hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her  overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll  have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is  $200,000 a year".

 

The guy says,  "You're bullshittin' me!"

 

The social  worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."


Submitted by Jan

New Arrivals

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It  wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What  about you?

2nd  woman: I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the  act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what  happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure  there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the  attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and  checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had  looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer,  we'd both still be alive.

 

Submitted by Melinda

A Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he's on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

Submitted by Linnea

Comics

 

Submitted by Amy

Southern Hunting Dogs

November 4, 2005

Submitted by Killer

What a cute couple
Just picture the moment. You've just had the wedding ceremony. You've posed for the obligatory photos outside on the steps. You then revive the old fashioned custom of releasing doves for luck, viewed by all your relatives and friends. You and your loving partner stand close to each other, each with a white dove clasped  in your hands. On the command of the photographer you send them soaring into the sky.......


 

Submitted by Sharon

Redneck Life In Pictures: Who says they can't enjoy the rich

life..Redneck Woman

 

Redneck Weather Forecast

 

Redneck Tattoo


Redneck SUV
 


Redneck Security System

 

 

Redneck Pet Carrier
 

 

Redneck Palm Pilot

 

Redneck Motor home

 

Redneck Limousine

 

Redneck Jet ski

 

Redneck Yacht

 

 

Redneck Horseshoes

 

 

Redneck Hearse

Handicapped Redneck

 

 

Submitted by Donna

German Observation Test

There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen. Almost 8000 students and professors were tested at the University of Berlin in Germany to see if they could find the 3 differences and only 19 got it (15 students and only 4 professors).

This is very difficult due to the size of the pictures but if you concentrate enough then you just might be one of the 19.

 

clue: Focus on the barely visible town

 

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

 

Submitted by SpicyMan

Motorcycle Accident Rate Study

Please, No heart attacks...

The government did a study with tax dollars to see why there are so many

deadly motorcycle accidents I think you'd be surprised at the results. .

 

November 3, 2005

Submitted by Marcia

Ever see a Post Turtle?

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas Rancher (whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the  White House.
 

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle."

 

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

 

The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle  balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

 
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn' t get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want  to get the poor stupid bastard off there fast as you can."
 

Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,  Virginia, 
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his  friends.


 Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"?
 
Luigi said, "Everyting  wasa  perfecto except for da train ride down." 

 "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
 
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.? My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a 
food.? She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina 
forward to da trip.? Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and 
open upa da luncha basket.? The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us 
anda say, 'No eat in disa car.? Musta use a dining car.'? 
 
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch 
and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! 
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! 
Musta use a cluba car.'? "
 
So, we go to cluba car.? While a drinkina da  vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.?
The conductore, he waga his finger  again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' 
 
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful 
Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.? We just about to  go 
boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da 
top of his a voice,

'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' 

"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus, BaFonghoula!!"

 

Submitted by Debby D.

Peeping - run your mouse over the people standing at the bus stop

 

Submitted by Jen W.

Submitted by Gil

Sick Day

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying  home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks  

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What  the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

 

Dead Giveaway

 

U'LL NEVER GO TO THE BEACH AFTER THIS

 

"Make me feel like a Woman"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

 

She stands up in the front of the plane Screaming. "I'm too young to die," and she continues to wail.
 

Then just as suddenly she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

 

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all just stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.


Finally a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes. He starts walking slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
 

One button at a time......
No one moves..................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps...................................
As he gets closer she reaches out her hand...........
He reaches out his hand.......................
 And softly whispers...........................

 

"Iron this...and then get me a beer."

November 1, 2005

Submitted by Gil

Tough Love vs. Spanking
(a psychological conundrum)

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,

 

Coorslight (Click Here)

 

 

 Men Are Just Like That

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
 
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
 
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
 
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
 
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she  wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
 
Obviously, the man was impressed.  The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
 
Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
 
Men are like that, you know

 

Submitted by Marcia

The Schitt Family (Click Here)

 

Indian With One Testicle

There once was a Red Indian whose given name  was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated  that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After  years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good  morning, Onestone."  He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to  the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue  Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her  deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to  her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

 

What is the moral of  this story?????............................
OH, come on...take a guess!
Think about it  .
(You're going to love  this!)
And the moral is
...You  can't kill two birds with one  stone

 

Discovery of New Chemical Element
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element 
yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." 
 
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75
deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4 days to
complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal half life of 4 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause
more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an
element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons
but twice as many morons.
 
Billion, More Or Less
"A billion".... The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually, think about whether you 
want the politician spending your tax money.  A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one 
advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases.

    A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

    A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

    A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

    A billion days ago no one walked on two feet on earth.

    A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate the government spends it.
 
Submitted by Killer
Halloween Costumes
 
Submitted by Jen M.
THE MIDDLE WIFE
 (From an anonymous 2nd grade teacher)
 
 I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I  have two kids myself, but the best birth story I  know is the one I saw in my own second-grade  classroom a few years back.
 
 When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always  have a few sessions with my students.    It helps  them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is  pretty tame.
 
 Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.    If  they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
 
 Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very  bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and  waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
 
 She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke,  my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
 
 "First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their  love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months  through an umbrella cord."
 
 She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
 
 "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind  her back and groans. "She walked around the house  for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!<BR<BR Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back an groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't  have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."<BR<BR "They got   my Mom to lie down in bed like this."  Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
 
 "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she  kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
 
 This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was
 too much!
 
 "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and  breathe, ! breathe."<BR<BR "They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there"
 
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and  returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.
 
 Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring  my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along. 
 
Submitted by Ruthie
PREGNANCY Q & A
    Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
     A: No, 35 children is enough.

    Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

     Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
     A: Childbirth.

     Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
          borderline irrational.
     A: So what's your question?

    Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
        but pressure. Is she right?
    A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
    A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

    Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
         is  in labor?
    A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A: Yes, pregnancy.

    Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
    A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
         normal again?
     A: When the kids are in college.

    10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

    1.      Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
    2.      You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
    3.      The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
    4.      Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
    5.      You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
             that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
    6.      Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
    7.      Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
    8.      You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super
             Plus.
    9.      You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
    10.    The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

    TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
    10.     Cats' facial expressions.
    9.       The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
    8.       Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
    7.       Fat clothes.
    6.       Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
    5.       The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
              eggshell.
    4.       Cutting your hair to make it grow.
    3.       Eyelash curlers.
    2.       The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

    AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

    1.    OTHER WOMEN
 
Submitted by Donna
Pussy Cat

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat".

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us know when we could come and get her.

 My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. " He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

 My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O, " my husband calls him "El-Take-O. " They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"

And he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is "getting even!"

 

HIS and HERS Diary Entries

1. HER DIARY Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
 
2. HIS DIARY: Today the Patriots lost, but at least I got laid.

 

Submitted by John A.

Kooks Of Hazzard (Click Here)

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